Not mine, absolutely.

Mom’s, while teaching me the rudiments of running a manual auto.

Just right after surfing the web and hopping from blog to blog, I suddenly felt the vaccum in my heart that’s been calling me to write again. No, no, I never stopped writing, my journalism program at the royal and pontifical university along Espana just wont make me.

However, news articles won’t do me a favor. I have to let some things out of my system, whether good or bad, to share to the world.

Though I’ve practically developed a wall that’s made penetrating my life hard for humans, I think it’s not yet late. I can start here. I can crush down my walls. If I can’t, I know God will.

I know I’ll get past the pride issue. For God didn’t give the spirit of timidity, but of courage, love, and a sound mind.

SO FROM NOW ON… I’LL FIGHT TIMIDITY (and TAMAD-ITY).

I knew it.

Ten minutes ago, I was at the condo lobby, waiting for the rain to stop. I sat at the steps, thinking where will I buy my nth umbrella, which will I buy, and how much would it cost my allowance. Then I decided to buy a cheap yet sturdy one, since Im not really good at maintaining umbrellas. Worse,I don’t know how to always keep them with me…I am already used to losing things, you know.

I was praying that the rain would stop so I wont be late for my 11am class. It’s really embarrassing entering the room having the spotlight on you. It shames me too, having Senor look at a very dugyot girl enter his class an hour late.

But then. I know I have to cut the story short. Hahaha.

Jho and Ninang both called and said, “Suspended ang class.”

Whew.

I’m not broken. No, not yet. Things aren’t worth the worry.

and all its sabaw-ness.

It’s 9:55am. I am at the Humanities section of the UST library. Tears are beginning to fall the second time for this hour.

But this time, I know for sure, I am saved.

Whew.

I left the house at 8am planning to go to the library and study since I wont be able to focus if I were at home, seated in front of the PC. When I was already at the floor most call the “lobby,” even it’s not lobby-ish (or it’s just me because my idea of a lobby is far different), I hurried back up the stairs, to the third floor, to the room, only to get my second most-priced possession for today: my flash disk.

Wow. Good thing I remembered it even before I get on a jeepney.

My article for Cuartero’s class due today was saved there. My printer isn’t working so I looked forward to having it printed in Nitro, or Excel, or Photoprints, or somewhere.

SO I was all confident that I have it on my pocket, or in my bag, or hung on my neck.

Then when I landed on a comfortable, yet cold seat at the library, I opened my Bible and prayed. I said, Lord, please let your glory shine today.

Minutes later, as I was writing things on my planner, photographs of my friends crossed my mind. Great! I am going to print them wallet-sized!

I checked my bag and… OH NO, WHERE IS IT?

On times like these, I would normally panic and run back through where the places I passed on. But today was different. I don’t know where I left it, on the jeep? in the “lobby?” Going home would be too difficult since the typhoon is just around the corner. UST and typhoons are not a very good combination, you know. Plus, I’ll be wasting two hours of my supposedly review time running for that kilobyte file.

I don’t care about the photograhs in it or the files I dearly keep. All I need is my paper. And for the third time today (first was when I woke up), I prayed. I said, Lord I want to cry but Lord, I know you’re in control.

I closed my eyes because I don’t want everything to sink in. Im not dead. I recited Jeremiah 29:11,

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, ”plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

and Romans 8:28.

“For we know all things work together for those who love God.”

Right that very moment, I knew I’m saved.

I rushed to the one of the library computers and typed www.evernote.com, signed in and THERE I FOUND MY BELOVED THREE-PAGE YURI URIBE ARTICLE, white as snow!

I don’t know why I saved it there because I don not really believe in back-upping files. I’m too trusting. Haha.

WHEW. Now I really know how not to be anxious in everything, that in everything I really should go through prayer and just present my requests and problems to God (from Phil 4:6).

As I look at the window on my right, I see, I see the sun shine beneath the hazy day. His glory shines.

Note: I wasn’t paid by Evernote to write this. Hahahaha.

I woke up this morning with a wonderful song playing over and over in my head.. It goes, “For greater things have yet to come, for greater things are still to be done, in this city…” I felt so refreshed, so blessed. On my right hand still was the Passion Manila wrist band Louie Giglio told the crowd of 8,000 not to remove until Sunday night, until they end the Kuala Lumpur leg.

Yaay. Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio are going to plant a church! Now I have a reason to write “Visit Atlanta” in my bucket list.

Friday, on my way to CCF to meet Junnel, I found myself craving for fruitcake. I know it’s not the season season yet but I just want some, even just a bite. I wished that I’ll be able to take a taste of that heavy, fruity, nutty, alcohol-soaked brown loaf. But just that night, four hours after my fruitcake wish, my heart told me that I want to be a fruitcake and make a difference.

Yes. I want to be one. If you’re curious, click here (the roomie, Christa, was referred as the “fruitcake” in Ashley’s journal).

So, what has God been teaching me? Well, it’s simple. The three-letter wonder: JOY.

For the past weeks, I’ve been really asking God to make me cry. I really yearn for a heart-breaking moment where all I want to do is to sob my heart out. I want to feel that the sky is falling, I want to feel so down and so empty and so helpless and so weak.

But look, here I am, still breathing, still a-ok. I even watched the Korean flick Daddy Long Legs (as recommended by Apple) because I really want to burst into tears. Oh yes, I got sad, depressed, but tears just didn’t fall.

I asked God, why? I’m not a masochist, okay? I just want to feel despair because I want to feel God save me. Bring me back to Him, carry me, tell me everything’s going to be alright. But no matter how hard I plea for it, He just seems not to listen.

When I arrived at the ULTRA for the Passion, I said to myself, thizizit! I’m gonna cry now.

But how come I’m not feeling anything bad inside? How come my heart’s not throbbing? I want to feel pain. I want pain nowww!

Oh well. Access denied. There wasn’t anything to make drama about.

BUT WHY DID I CATCH MYSELF CRYING?

I felt God. I can’t stop the tears. They just fell and I don’t know why, but I loved the feeling. There’s nothing wrong in me, no agony, no pain. In fact, I felt perfectly perfect. I was joyfully joyful.

God’s comfort surrounded me even I didn’t need it; He was just there, even though I didn’t deserve it.

Then I realized, God doesn’t want me to mourn in pain. I want you to be happy, Sammie. Christ died on the cross for you so you’ll be able to feel My love. Problems will come, but I love you, you should be joyful. Whew.

This is perhaps why I wasn’t feeling gloom for the past days, God has sealed joy in my heart.

I cried hard. It was long and the last thing I wanted to do was to stop. I felt free.

Wow, I don’t need pain to cry, after all. His love alone made me fall on my knees. Whoa. Amazing.

Indescribable, uncontainable, all powerful, untamable, incomparable, unchangeable.

oh no shocks. Not again. Not today.

For the past weeks I’ve been missing money bills. It’s disappointing, you know.

Why are there times that I know, I am assured that I have some bucks in my wallet but IDK why, minutes, hours later, they’re gone. Does this have something to do with my arithmetic skills or things are just disappearing?

Screw my counting skills.

Keep the faith. God is going to send me a person for my story. I know it. I just know it.

I still don’t have anyone to interview for my confession story. Whew.Tsssk.

Apple: Confession story? Pwede bang i-confess yung love ko?

I want to watch the UST-ADMU game on Sunday. But I definitely wont be able to. Mom is surely not going to allow me.

Anyway, I feel blessed because this morning, Ma drived Jho to UST.

Jho: Ma, 60 pesos na pala yung gas no?

Mother dear: Ok lang yan. God will provide. Si Christ nga, only son ni God, pinadala para satin, mag-woworry ka pa ba sa pang-gas? Pera lang yan.

Go mother dear! Hearing that from Jho really made me happy. Mom is indeed growing in God. If you met her a year ago, I tell you, her words were like, “Pano na pang tuition mo?” or, “Grabe mahal ng bigas.” SO praise God talaga.

Oh no. I really need an interviewee.