Sammie’s Weblog:)

I woke up this morning with a wonderful song playing over and over in my head.. It goes, “For greater things have yet to come, for greater things are still to be done, in this city…” I felt so refreshed, so blessed. On my right hand still was the Passion Manila wrist band Louie Giglio told the crowd of 8,000 not to remove until Sunday night, until they end the Kuala Lumpur leg.

Yaay. Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio are going to plant a church! Now I have a reason to write “Visit Atlanta” in my bucket list.

Friday, on my way to CCF to meet Junnel, I found myself craving for fruitcake. I know it’s not the season season yet but I just want some, even just a bite. I wished that I’ll be able to take a taste of that heavy, fruity, nutty, alcohol-soaked brown loaf. But just that night, four hours after my fruitcake wish, my heart told me that I want to be a fruitcake and make a difference.

Yes. I want to be one. If you’re curious, click here (the roomie, Christa, was referred as the “fruitcake” in Ashley’s journal).

So, what has God been teaching me? Well, it’s simple. The three-letter wonder: JOY.

For the past weeks, I’ve been really asking God to make me cry. I really yearn for a heart-breaking moment where all I want to do is to sob my heart out. I want to feel that the sky is falling, I want to feel so down and so empty and so helpless and so weak.

But look, here I am, still breathing, still a-ok. I even watched the Korean flick Daddy Long Legs (as recommended by Apple) because I really want to burst into tears. Oh yes, I got sad, depressed, but tears just didn’t fall.

I asked God, why? I’m not a masochist, okay? I just want to feel despair because I want to feel God save me. Bring me back to Him, carry me, tell me everything’s going to be alright. But no matter how hard I plea for it, He just seems not to listen.

When I arrived at the ULTRA for the Passion, I said to myself, thizizit! I’m gonna cry now.

But how come I’m not feeling anything bad inside? How come my heart’s not throbbing? I want to feel pain. I want pain nowww!

Oh well. Access denied. There wasn’t anything to make drama about.

BUT WHY DID I CATCH MYSELF CRYING?

I felt God. I can’t stop the tears. They just fell and I don’t know why, but I loved the feeling. There’s nothing wrong in me, no agony, no pain. In fact, I felt perfectly perfect. I was joyfully joyful.

God’s comfort surrounded me even I didn’t need it; He was just there, even though I didn’t deserve it.

Then I realized, God doesn’t want me to mourn in pain. I want you to be happy, Sammie. Christ died on the cross for you so you’ll be able to feel My love. Problems will come, but I love you, you should be joyful. Whew.

This is perhaps why I wasn’t feeling gloom for the past days, God has sealed joy in my heart.

I cried hard. It was long and the last thing I wanted to do was to stop. I felt free.

Wow, I don’t need pain to cry, after all. His love alone made me fall on my knees. Whoa. Amazing.

Indescribable, uncontainable, all powerful, untamable, incomparable, unchangeable.